It’s Spring Break! This, in Texas, means South by Southwest, sun, good food and good drink.
Hello! I am Corey Ann Seldon, and I’m writing a guest blog for Hope Alliance in honor of all that spring time joy. Those of us in the human services fields know that with every holiday, every celebration, comes an increased risk for violence and assault. Gatherings can bring out the best in us, but also have a tendency to push any negativity to the surface. Furthermore, during holidays – especially like Spring Break – we’re meeting new people all the time, and it’s important to employ some skills in these instances.
A true story:
My friend, “Jennifer”, met a guy who she found to be quite charming and oh-so-cute. He works where she works out. How convenient! They exchanged numbers and began the flirtatious texting that so often starts relationships nowadays. He met her out – with me and another friend in tow – at a local pub. We looked him over and noticed he was not visibly creepy and, in just the right light, was kind of cute. Jennifer was having fun, and it seemed safe and appropriate to let them continue the date alone. She knew to text us throughout the night and when she got home.
The next day, I met up with Jennifer to explore SXSW and enjoy the day. And, of course, to ask her a thousand questions about this man. She started out happy – “It was great! Really easy to talk to and he’s nice…” and then it turned sour.
“Well…he picked two beers and said – ‘Which one do you want?’ When I told him I preferred the first, he bought me the second and told me I’d like it.”
Wait, what? He gave you options and then disregarded your choice? Hmmm…NOTED.
“Then he told me he was worried about me getting home safely, so he followed me in his car back to my house.” Ummm…so now he knows where she lives? NOTED.
“When we got to my house, he said he had to go to the bathroom, so of course I let him. Then he wanted to see my room.” NOTED.
“From there he said he was tired and laid down on my bed. I told him I didn’t want him spending the night, and he said he wouldn’t. That he’d just lay for a little bit and I should lay down.” NOTED.
“Well, what’dya do?” I asked. Nervous about where this was going. Nervous that she had been in this situation. Frustrated at all of it.
“I mean, we just laid there and eventually we both fell asleep. Nothing happened at all. I just felt so weird because I didn’t want to be mean, but I didn’t want him to stay.”
There are two important takeaways here.
1. All the notes I stated – all those moments of – wait…really? – we call those red flags. Red flags are warning signs for future abusive behavior. And, they’re called “red flags” for a reason. In a presentation one time, a 9 year old said – “When you see red flags you SLOW DOWN, Ms. Corey.”
“Or you get off that road!” her friend chimed in.
Exactly. When we see red flags we change our behavior to protect ourselves. We don’t overlook them or make excuses for them or hope they’ll go away. Red flags don’t go away – if anything they only get bigger.
When do we look for red flags? Always. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, but all throughout. If this guy doesn’t listen to Jennifer about the beer she wants, chances are he won’t listen to her about other things. Like, say, the fact that she didn’t want him to stay the night.
2. Jennifer wanted to make this man happy. She had only known him a few days and already she was invested in “not being mean” to him. Despite the fact that she clearly knew what she wanted, clearly explained it to him, the situation continued as it did. Furthermore, she felt guilty about what she wanted. She was caught in the trap that so many people find themselves-
Forcing him to leave and feeling guilty for being the bad guy
Allowing him to stay and feeling awkward and uncomfortable
Jennifer viewed this as a lose-lose situation. Shoot, who wouldn’t? I don’t like feeling guilty. I don’t like being mean, and I don’t like being uncomfortable.
But there’s a third option that so easily gets forgotten. The feeling of saying what you want, doing what is best for yourself, and honoring those decisions and actions. I am not going to lie — this takes practice. I come from a long line of caretakers and do-gooders. I want you to be happy. And, I am still practicing the skill of honoring my own desires and person. But we’ve got to practice and listen.
So here’s to having a good Spring Break – full of aware, self-honoring experiences.
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