Our Outreach Advocate, Crossing the Line

I was fortunate enough to travel to Dallas last Wednesday to attend a Mobilizing Men and Boys Task Force meeting for Texas Association Against Sexual Assault (their blog here). I ended up speaking with a woman from another agency about our curricula, Project Empowerment. Luckily I had an extra copy and let her peruse it during the day. When she had finished, she came to me with a question about our activities – one called All My People and one called Cross the Line. She wasn’t sure what they accomplished and why they were part of our curricula.

These two games share the same premise – providing a space to share information about yourself and connect to others. In All My People, the students sit in a circle of chairs with one person in the middle. This person says something that is true for them. For example, “All my people who love Fall weather.” The people in the circle who also identify with this statement must get up and find a new chair. The person in the center is also trying to sit down, so the game progresses with each new center person. We do this as part of our first lesson with students.  (WARNING: people love love LOVE this game)

Cross the Line is a similar game with more structure. The group lines up and a series of statements are read aloud. When a statement is true for someone in the group, they’ll take a step forward (crossing the line) and then step back. The statements get more intense and personal as the game goes on. (WARNING: people love love LOVE this game too)

Now, I give you that background to tell you this story -

Today I attended the Texas Association of Future Educator’s conference at St. Edward’s University. Why? Because a group of my students were presenting the Cross the Line game to their peers and future teachers. I wanted to support them and hear what they had to say. The student facilitators talked about the need for teachers to connect with their students, and for students to have an opportunity to understand each other. They said they didn’t feel many teachers knew how to do this and that sometimes classes didn’t go well because people didn’t know each other.

It is quite telling that my high school students not only enjoyed, but wanted to share their knowledge of these games. Whereas my adult colleague was confused as to how these games were part of violence prevention. It seems like sometimes in this work we rush. I know I do – I want to talk about big issues – gender and inequality and harassment and consent.  Yet what the students of all ages cling to are those moments where they can share and learn and explore the spaces between themselves and others. These games have an outline, they have guidelines, they provide a strategy. It’s not dead time and it is definitely not counseling. And all of my groups of students want to play this game again before our time with them is over.

Which really gets to the root of prevention right? A society free of violence, free of oppression, would be one where people got to exchange and communicate and share and learn in ways that weren’t forced, weren’t judged, and were fun.

So whoever you work with – adults or kids – I encourage you to take a look at these games and try them out. Then let us know how it goes.

Cross that line,

Corey Ann
Sexual Violence Prevention Specialist
corey.seldon@hopealliancetx.org

Also, just a BIT of bragging – Brooke and I taught 88 violence prevention classes in October, reaching over 550 students in 3rd-12th grade!!

Corey Ann and Brooke in school!

Currently we’re in McCoy Elementary School,
Park Crest Middle School,
Hutto Middle School,
and Hutto High School. We work in a total of 28 classes each week and see over 500 students! We’re implementing our Project Empowerment curricula which was developed for Williamson County. It’s interactive violence prevention and has been incredible to facilitate!

A few weeks ago I hung out with our previous Domestic Violence Prevention Specialist, Amrit, and I was expressing a change in the way I structure classes. The old Corey Ann would’ve tried to construct and plan a class so that there are no interruptions or opportunities for students to get distracted or divert the focus.  I found myself starting to do this with my classes, but then I realized that if I didn’t allow the students to naturally behave – how could we practice what we’re learning?

OK – ENOUGH BIG TALK – LET’S SPEAK CLEARLY

I was scared. I feared the moment where I didn’t have control. I dreaded the thought of a teacher or administrator seeing a class that was not behaving perfectly, answering the questions, and doing the work.

BUT if I walk into a class and structure every activity so that there isn’t a possibility for cross talk, for students to challenge each other, and for students to voice opposition – HOW can the students practice respecting each other? HOW can the students practice disagreeing with each other but not arguing? HOW can the students see the difference between disagreement and arguments? HOW can the students understand what it feels like to be respected without using aggression, threats, or violence? In a perfectly structured class, these pieces wouldn’t come up – they’d be too busy or silenced. Furthermore, the belief that their behavior is predominantly under my control (or any authority) is reinforced. This is the opposite of Project Empowerment and our entire message.

Amrit, putting words to my struggle, said, “You’ve got to leave room for the magic.”

Yes! I do! Because in those moments where the students act out – or rather, they act like little humans trying to figure out their place in the world – is where we get to practice and watch and fail and try and define and learn and YES.

Which begs the question – when life becomes challenging, what skills do you have to navigate it? Because let me tell you, these kids…they’ve got some magic. And it’s a great privilege to assist in bringing that out of them.

-Corey Ann Seldon
Sexual Violence Prevention Specialist
Corey.seldon@hopealliancetx.org

$50 per person includes a delicious Tuscan buffet, beer, wine and soft beverages.  Other drinks will be available for purchase.

We’ll be auctioning six unbelievable packages, described below. If you are unable to attend, we can set up a bidder in your place. Just email Kelly Wheeler at kelly.wheeler@hopealliancetx.org

A silent auction will be set up and open that evening, closing the next day after the Women FORE! Hope golf tournament.

All monies raised go directly to support Hope Alliance’s only program serving survivors of family and sexual violence, including the only emergency shelter in Williamson and Northern Travis Counties. To make a reservation, patty.conner@hopealliancetx.org.   If you are unable to attend but would still like to bid on one (or more) of these items, please let me know and we can assist you.

Item 1:  California, Here We Come! – November 7 – 10, 2011
Pack your bags and prepare for the experience of a lifetime in always sunny Los Angeles!
You and a guest will fly into the City of Angels courtesy of Southwest Airlines and settle into the Omni Hotel in downtown LA to prepare for a November weekend of celebrities and beautiful sunsets!  The executives at Warner Brothers Studio have reserved seats for you at the Ellen Show AND a VIP tour of the behind-the-scenes activity at the studio. Enjoy a break from the sprawling metropolis and head to the beach!  Make plans to visit the world-famous seafood restaurant, The Cannery, in Newport Beach. The owner, Ron Salisbury, has made plans for you and your guest to enjoy cocktails at the restaurant AND dinner on a duffy boat while cruising Newport Bay!  From the delightful humor of Ellen to the sunset on the bay, this trip will remain a priceless memory forever!

Item 2:  Honky Tonk Heaven! -  Winning Bidder Schedules
It’s time to “walk the walk” and “talk the talk” of country legends!  You and a guest are invited to a show AND a backstage tour of The Grand Ole Opry house.  Country music star Steve Wariner has even upped the ante of this package with a special “meet and greet” with HIM at the Grand Ole Opry (if he is on the Opry the night you attend).  Here’s your chance to walk the stage where country legends are crowned AND meet one of country’s finest – now that’s priceless!  The Radisson Hotel at Opryland has opened their doors for you to relax on the beautiful grounds for two nights and you are invited to tour the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum.  As you board your Southwest Airlines flight to head home, you won’t be empty-handed. You will receive an exclusive print signed by the members of the Grand Ole Opry. Don’t walk the line on this one – it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Items 3: Down Home At The Ranch –
Winning Bidder Schedules Between 12/1 and 12/14
If you love the thrill of the hunt or just the chill in the air on a ranch in December, this is the prize for you!  The Armstrong family has invited one shooter and a guest to the Frank Armstrong Ranch, located south of Hebbronville, Texas.  This is a low-fenced ranch with lodging for you and your guest to relax in the evening.  Meals will be provided by your ranch hosts and your guide and “chef” for the hunt will be the infamous Buddy Armstrong!  

Item 4:  Spring has sprung with the Texas Rangers! - March 23- 24, 2012
The folks at Southwest Airlines will fly you and a guest to a splendid weekend of fun in the amazing state of Arizona!  This is your chance to see the Texas Rangers up close and personal while they play a game at beautiful Surprise Stadium in Surprise, Arizona!  The weekend will begin with reserved seats behind home plate where you will watch the Rangers begin their journey to another championship year.  You won’t want to miss the exclusive guided tour of the Rangers’ facilities where you will see the athletes’ home away from home.  We have more “surprises” for you up the road.  You and your guest will stay for two nights at The Wigwam Resort in Goodyear, Arizona – a short distance from the stadium.  Enjoy a special spa treatment at the Red Door Spa and head out to eat at the restaurant of your choice with your $100 American Express gift card.  There is no better way to start off your spring . . . play ball!

Item 5: Dream On with Aerosmith
Rock your way to an unforgettable evening when you and a guest attend any AEROSMITH concert on their tour in the summer of 2012.  This package includes two backstage passes for a meet and greet with drummer, Joey Kramer.  The winning bidder will also receive a specially-autographed guitar signed by the ENTIRE band: Steven Tyler (vocals), Joe Perry (guitar), Brad Whitford (guitar), Tom Hamilton (Bass) and Joey Kramer (drums).  Make your dreams come true with this package!

Item 6: Baseball at Minute Maid Park 2012 – Game of your choice based on availability
The ultimate VIP experience of the Houston Astros at Minute Maid Park awaits you and three others with this fabulous package. Enjoy dinner for four at your special seats behind home plate in the elite Insperity Club while watching the game and never miss a play!  When the game is over, just stroll across the street and spend the night at the beautiful Inn at the Ballpark. Bring home a Nolan Ryan autographed baseball; an unsigned Astros jersey (winner to get it personalized by Nolan Ryan); an Astros baseball cap and bobblehead; an 8 x 10 photo autographed by Nolan Ryan and a baseball card autographed by Nolan Ryan.

Again, all monies raised go directly to support Hope Alliance’s only program serving survivors of family and sexual violence, including the only emergency shelter in Williamson and Northern Travis Counties. To make a reservation, patty.conner@hopealliancetx.org.   If you are unable to attend but would still like to bid on one (or more) of these items, please let me know and we can assist you.  Check out our blog for a complete list of the live auction packages!

In addition to the hotline, every school in New Jersey must implement anti-bullying specialist within schools to investigate each bullying claim, making schools legally responsible to report bullying incidences.

Districts are also spending up to $3000 on anti-bullying training for teachers, coaches, custodians, staff, and cafeteria workers that includes training sessions, a DVD, and a 100-page manual.

In one district, every kid “will spend six class periods learning, among other things, the differences between telling and tattling.”

While all of this is a great start to intervention services and allowing victims of bullying to seek help, my question is, how does any of this really prevent bullying in the first place? Teaching a child what the difference is between tattling on someone and reporting bullying isn’t stopping the problem; in fact, it might worsen it.

The article also states that “students will be told that there is no such thing as an innocent bystander when it comes to bullying: if they see it, they have a responsibility to try to stop it.” What happens then when intervening puts that innocent bystander in danger?

Bullying is no doubt a huge problem in schools nationwide. However, simply telling kids that bullying is bad and they must intervene, as well as making teachers and staff read a 100-page manual on bullying isn’t going to stop the problem at its core. Primary prevention 101: What are the root causes of bullying? Similar to the root causes of violence, identifying the root causes of bullying might look something like addressing stereotypes, gender norms, racism, and homophobia, just to name a few.

Instead of telling kids that bullying is bad, empower students to make healthy choices and challenge them to think outside the norms that our society has set forth that support a culture of bullying and violence. Give children concrete ways to intervene if they see bullying first-hand, but also talk about how intervening might not always be safe. Let them know that there are other options besides personal intervention.

I applaud New Jersey for taking the first steps to put a stop to bullying. However, prevention efforts that address bullying at its roots are needed to see any sort of change in student’s behaviors.

-Brooke Hileman
Structured Education Coordinator
Hope Alliance

No, truly! I am! See, we have this Coalition…and we have this plan. And…well let me just give you the pitch.

The mission of the Partners in Prevention Coalition is to educate and engage our community in interpersonal violence prevention efforts to generate safety and self respect in Williamson County.

This mission is the result of many organizations’ current work and proposed goals. In order to further this mission, we are taking a new step! And we hope you will join us.

At our next meeting, on Tuesday, July 26, we will utilize the 40 Developmental Assets in an attempt to determine where our collective work is focused. These assets have become a foundation for grant proposals, outcome based work, and the structure of many schools.

As a Coalition, we’re looking to determine the following:

-What Assets are currently critical for Williamson County?
-What Assets are we currently focused on?
-Where are we working within the county?
-What populations are being reached?
-Who is doing the work?

From there, we’ll begin a conversation and eventual plan to work effectively together in our communities.

See how wonderful this is?! Williamson County is this massive entity that can sometimes feel disjointed. But it’s really not, and we all have the opportunity to unite our forces. Did you know that non profits are not rolling in the resources? Which means we can’t send out 20 people to do prevention work all over the county. Our neighbor non profits are facing the same challenges – so based on suggestions from Tim Love at TAASA, we thought we’d try a new approach to our coalition.

And this is absolutely exciting. We want to know what work YOU’RE doing in Williamson County. We want to share our work with you. And we want to build a complementary plan to support the entire county.

Big plans? yes.
Long timeline? yes.
Tons of work? yes.
Endless possibilities? YES!

So! That being said, if you are interested in being part of this coalition, please come to the meeting! And be prepared to answer and discuss the above questions.

If you are unable to attend the Partners in Prevention Coalition meeting, but are interested in working with the coalition please send me an email indicating so. You can also answer the above questions about your agency and I will bring these to the meeting.

Thanks,
Corey Ann Seldon
Sexual Violence Prevention Specialist

corey.seldon@hopealliancetx.org

Yesterday with the elementary school, we colored the Conflict Fixing Tricks pages from our workbook. We also talked about all the different ways we can navigate conflicts. It was a great opportunity to let the kiddos color, be creative, and still have conversations about conflicts in our lives.

And then.

A conflict arose.

While discussing “I statements” – a little rambunctious boy pronounced, “I hate Kelly.”*

Kelly was sitting next to this boy, Greg, and turned to him with a look of shock. My coworker, Amrit, asked Greg for clarification.

“I hate Kelly because she is mean.” Greg said.

Amrit asked Kelly how that made her feel.

“I feel sad,” Kelly answered.

From there, Amrit began a conversation with Greg about a few key points:
1. Why he “hated” Kelly
2. How Kelly responded to hearing his statement

This conversation took a few minutes, and involved a lot of clarifying questions from Amrit to Greg, and a lot of pauses from Greg. He initially did not want to acknowledge that Kelly said she was sad. Amrit asked him to look at her and see if he could tell how she was feeling. He said he couldn’t tell. Amrit asked Kelly to repeat how she was feeling. She did, and then Greg repeated it.

Then Amrit asked Greg, “Do you want the things you say to people to make them feel happy or sad?”

Greg paused. He looked up and down. He looked all around. (See! I could’ve been a lil kid author.)

Amrit asked again.

Greg mumbled, “Happy.”

Amrit repeated, “So you want the things you say to make people feel happy. That’s great.”

And before she could point out that he had made someone feel sad, Greg interrupted her.

“I can apologize.”

Then Greg turned to Kelly, looked her in the eyes and said, “I’m sorry Kelly.”

To which she responded, “I accept your apology,” and went back to coloring.

Then Greg walked around the table and Amrit talked to him privately. She reflected that she saw people’s reactions to Greg not being happy, like he said he wanted. She asked him to watch how people reacted to the things he was saying, because he may not be seeing it the way it is.

And I tell you that story to tell you this:

When a kid annoys another kid – where is most of the attention focused? On the kid receiving the action, right? The perpetrator is told they did something wrong, then the recipient is coddled, comforted, and supported.

This pattern frequently replicates throughout life. If a man is mean to his girlfriend- is he not just disregarded as a “jerk” (or something worse) while her friends and family work to support her?

But, who talks to him about his actions? And I mean – who REALLY talks? Not just punishes. We have a knee jerk reaction to punish, but talking seems much harder for us.

It is incredibly important to have these discussions. We cannot just say to the “bad” “rude” “disrespectful” person that they are acting that way and that we disapprove. That gives them no tools, no learning, no opportunity to change. It also begins to form in their mind that their identity is “bad” “rude” “disrespectful.” And can you predict what might happen when someone feels that they are inherently “bad” “rude” or “disrespectful?”

Amrit could’ve easily told Greg, “Greg, you take that back right now. Apologize to Kelly.” And he might have done it immediately or fought it a bit, and finally given in. But would Kelly have gotten a chance to say how she was feeling to him? And would Greg have gotten the opportunity to reflect about his actions in a nonjudgmental way that allowed him to decide what was the best choice for him and his peers? Greg knew he didn’t want to make people sad, and he was given the opportunity to change that.

To me, this was amazing to watch. It was also eye opening to think about all the times I’ve shut down the perpetrator of an action and coddled the recipient of it – both in my personal and professional life. Which is interesting, because when I’m the perpetrator of a hurtful action, I’d much rather have the opportunity that Greg did to reflect and learn and change.

This is prevention.

-Corey Ann Seldon
Sexual Violence Prevention Specialist

*The names of the students are changed in this story. Confidentiality is extremely important to Hope Alliance.

“How would you turn a frog into a prince?”

The students had answered this question in a variety of ways. From the very innocent, “I’d take my wand and tap his head until he turned into a prince!” to the more involved, “I’d put the frog in a cannon and shoot him into a wall. Then he’d explode and be a prince!” The answers varied across the board.

Then I turned to the second row of papers which answered the prompts,

“A princess is as pretty as _________
A princess is as fragile as __________
A princess is as nice as _________”

The responses fluctuated between flowery to simple, but they all remained in the tight box that the prompts provided. No one put “as pretty as a donkey” or “as fragile as a piece of steel” or “as nice as a mean granny.” The prompts limited the responses and solidified the idea that princesses are inherently pretty, fragile, and nice. My favorite response to the prompt was, “A princess is as pretty as a flower, as fragile as glass, and as nice as a servant.”

Reminder – this work came from 2nd graders. Which brings me to the idea that we have got to talk about gender and gender norms from the beginning. And not in a lecture way, not in an intellectual way, but in a way that kiddos can grasp.

Ask any child what a Prince or Princess does/looks like/acts like and they can describe Disney’s definitions to a tee. And while most children know that they are not real Prince or Princesses, it’s not a huge jump from fictional characters to boys and girls and men and women. Take a look below at how our elementary students identified these fairy tale characters last week.

Take a look at these definitions of Prince and Princess. Do you see a connection to the stereotypes of men and women?

I’ll be posting more about how gender roles are directly related to sexual violence in the upcoming weeks. It’s going to be fun! But for now I’ve got to run to work with middle schoolers on this exact subject!

Hope your week is off to a great start.

-Corey Ann Seldon
Sexual Violence Prevention Specialist

Preview: Our next Coalition Meeting will be on July 26th. We’ll discuss and determine the upcoming plans of the Coalition! Mark your calendar now! Come join us to to have a voice in shaping the future of prevention in our community.

I’ve been in Hope Alliance’s New Employee and Volunteer training for the past few weeks and it is wonderful! Which is saying a lot, considering it is 6:30-9:30pm twice a week for three weeks. Then this Saturday we have a full day of training at the hospital. The training is required of all new full time employees, interns, and volunteers. The topics range from the dynamics of sexual assault and domestic violence to child protective services to law enforcement’s role. It is extremely comprehensive and developed to give the participants both an expectation of services and a support system throughout their experience with Hope Alliance.

And, in reference to the heading of this post – “Cultural Competency – Really?”

The answer is a RESOUNDING YES!!

We were incredibly fortunate to have Rose Luna, from TAASA, come work with us for 3 hours to address Cultural Competency. She applauded Hope Alliance for realizing and implementing the discussion of cultural competency. I happily agreed with this – because let’s be honest – we need to be culturally competent when we are doing this work. And by “this work” I mean anytime we are working with any community – whether that be one with different races, ages, income levels, genders, sexual orientations, education levels, citizen status, and more.

Furthermore, the idea of being culturally competent provides us with an impetus to remain victim centered. How can we successfully support, inform, and empower a client if we are not taking into account the variables of their culture?

Ex: On a hotline call, I am talking with a woman who was recently physically attacked by her husband. She has decided to stay with him for the time being, but we are developing a safety plan for her. One of the options for many people might be to call the police, and I recommend that to her. But what if she has immigrated from a place where the police were corrupt and actually caused more violence? Or what if she had worked with the police before and they treated her disrespectfully? Or they didn’t believe her? Is she likely to utilize the police again? And how might she react to my suggestion? What other ways can I offer support and empowerment options if I haven’t thought outside my culturally comfortable behaviors?

Furthermore, Rose Luna discussed was how Communication, Intepretation, Perspective are connected. We must be creative communicators – because I can tell a room full of 100 adults the same statement - You have the right to be safe - and that is going to be interpreted differently among the group. The statement is the same, but the interpretation, and the resulting perspectives about Hope Alliance, behavior, expectations, and options are going to be different. So, we have to be aware. We have to be creative. And we have to be comfortable double checking that our message is received the way we intend.

Culture is more than race. Cultures are constantly changing and evolving. Rose Luna did a wonderful job of challenging us to be competent in our discovery of the differences and similiarties, partialities and prejudices, that we hold. Because in our work to end violence and assault, we are absolutely accountable to the communities we serve.

-Corey Ann Seldon
Sexual Violence Primary Prevention Specialist

P.S. If you want to read TAASA’s blog, I highly recommend it. Rose posts quite a bit, as well as the other rockstars there.

P.P.S. If you’re interested in volunteering with Hope Alliance, please contact Gayla Stock at gayla.stock@hopealliancetx.org ! She is an incredible Volunteer Director – you will not be disappointed working with her! And us!

Did you know that “During the 2007-2008 school year, there were 800 reported incidents of rape and attempted rape and 3,800 reported incidents of other sexual batteries at public high schools”?

This requires a response. So this wonderful letter was published to be distributed to education centers and schools around the nation. It establishes key ideas around preventing and ending sexual assault:
1. It defines sexual assault
2. It places the responsibility of ending sexual assault under Title IX
3. It lays out requirements for schools to handle sexual assault situations
4. It sets out a call to action to end sexual assault

The letter opens with, “The US Department of Education and its Office for Civil Rights believe that providing all students with an education evironment free from discrimination is extremely important. The sexual harassment of students, including sexual violence, interferes with students’ right to receive an education free from discrimination and, in the case of sexual violence, is a crime.”

What’s important here is their outlying of the connection between sexual assault – discrimination – and receiving a good education.

They go on to say, “As explained in OCR’s 2001 Guidance, when a student sexually harasses another student, the harassing conduct creates a hostile environment if the conduct is sufficiently serious that it interferes with or limits a student’s ability to participate in or benefit from the school’s program.”

Students cannot learn in an environment where sexual assault is taking place. Students cannot feel safe, they cannot focus, and furthermore their ideas about what is a “normal” environment becomes warped. This is true both for the victims and the school community as a whole.

The letter discusses the fact that even if an incident occurs off school property – if it affects the environment – it must be addressed! This statement is fantastic because it acknowledges the overall influence these incidents have on people’s lives.

There are many details in the letter about how to respond to students who have experienced sexual assault at school. And the letter is incredibly supportive of victim services – encouraging the school to provide counseling, change of classes, transportation adjustments, and more – to lower the possibility of having a “hostile” environment.

Additionally, they state, “…to ensuring full compliance with Title IX, schools should take proactive measures to prevent sexual harassment and violence. OCR recommends that all schools implement preventive education programs and make victim resources, including comprehensive victitm services, available.”

This is wonderful! Putting prevention as a key component of the plan is absolutely necessary!

What does prevention look like in Williamson County?
-Elementary students learning and practicing identifying, handling, and expressing their emotions in healthy ways
-Middle school students role playing conflict management skills, discussing equality, and practicing making empowered decisions
-High school students breaking down stereotypes, conversing about power and control dynamics, and role playing healthy relationships

Prevention is more than risk reduction. And while risk reduction is needed, this letter calls for PREVENTION. And that’s what we’re here to do – prevent sexual assault.

So, many thanks go out to the United States Department of Education and the Office for Civil Rights for researching, writing, and committing to a future where sexual assault is handled in a victim-empowering manner and steps are taken to end it.

-Corey Ann Seldon
Structured Education Coordinator