Last week we wrapped up the Prevention Team’s work with kiddos in Taylor, TX. We’ve been working with their Duck University summer program in the elementary, middle, and high school. We adapted our Project Empowerment curriculum to include more theater games and activities, which worked well during the summer months. (Let’s be honest…have you seen kids during the summer? They are FULL of energy. They want to play and run and explore – which is awesome.) So we got them on their feet, moving, jumping, connecting, communicating, and empowering themselves and each other.
Yesterday with the elementary school, we colored the Conflict Fixing Tricks pages from our workbook. We also talked about all the different ways we can navigate conflicts. It was a great opportunity to let the kiddos color, be creative, and still have conversations about conflicts in our lives.
And then.
A conflict arose.
While discussing “I statements” – a little rambunctious boy pronounced, “I hate Kelly.”*
Kelly was sitting next to this boy, Greg, and turned to him with a look of shock. My coworker, Amrit, asked Greg for clarification.
“I hate Kelly because she is mean.” Greg said.
Amrit asked Kelly how that made her feel.
“I feel sad,” Kelly answered.
From there, Amrit began a conversation with Greg about a few key points:
1. Why he “hated” Kelly
2. How Kelly responded to hearing his statement
This conversation took a few minutes, and involved a lot of clarifying questions from Amrit to Greg, and a lot of pauses from Greg. He initially did not want to acknowledge that Kelly said she was sad. Amrit asked him to look at her and see if he could tell how she was feeling. He said he couldn’t tell. Amrit asked Kelly to repeat how she was feeling. She did, and then Greg repeated it.
Then Amrit asked Greg, “Do you want the things you say to people to make them feel happy or sad?”
Greg paused. He looked up and down. He looked all around. (See! I could’ve been a lil kid author.)
Amrit asked again.
Greg mumbled, “Happy.”
Amrit repeated, “So you want the things you say to make people feel happy. That’s great.”
And before she could point out that he had made someone feel sad, Greg interrupted her.
“I can apologize.”
Then Greg turned to Kelly, looked her in the eyes and said, “I’m sorry Kelly.”
To which she responded, “I accept your apology,” and went back to coloring.
Then Greg walked around the table and Amrit talked to him privately. She reflected that she saw people’s reactions to Greg not being happy, like he said he wanted. She asked him to watch how people reacted to the things he was saying, because he may not be seeing it the way it is.
And I tell you that story to tell you this:
When a kid annoys another kid – where is most of the attention focused? On the kid receiving the action, right? The perpetrator is told they did something wrong, then the recipient is coddled, comforted, and supported.
This pattern frequently replicates throughout life. If a man is mean to his girlfriend- is he not just disregarded as a “jerk” (or something worse) while her friends and family work to support her?
But, who talks to him about his actions? And I mean – who REALLY talks? Not just punishes. We have a knee jerk reaction to punish, but talking seems much harder for us.
It is incredibly important to have these discussions. We cannot just say to the “bad” “rude” “disrespectful” person that they are acting that way and that we disapprove. That gives them no tools, no learning, no opportunity to change. It also begins to form in their mind that their identity is “bad” “rude” “disrespectful.” And can you predict what might happen when someone feels that they are inherently “bad” “rude” or “disrespectful?”
Amrit could’ve easily told Greg, “Greg, you take that back right now. Apologize to Kelly.” And he might have done it immediately or fought it a bit, and finally given in. But would Kelly have gotten a chance to say how she was feeling to him? And would Greg have gotten the opportunity to reflect about his actions in a nonjudgmental way that allowed him to decide what was the best choice for him and his peers? Greg knew he didn’t want to make people sad, and he was given the opportunity to change that.
To me, this was amazing to watch. It was also eye opening to think about all the times I’ve shut down the perpetrator of an action and coddled the recipient of it – both in my personal and professional life. Which is interesting, because when I’m the perpetrator of a hurtful action, I’d much rather have the opportunity that Greg did to reflect and learn and change.
This is prevention.
-Corey Ann Seldon
Sexual Violence Prevention Specialist
*The names of the students are changed in this story. Confidentiality is extremely important to Hope Alliance.
